Hope held in a tightly clenched fist
And a last minute co-writing session tomorrow (20/11/24)
Having spent the last couple of weeks with my breath held and clenched shoulders edging ever closer to my ears, I stomped up our lane after lunch earlier today, exhaling deep, loud breaths and let the tears fall down my cheeks.
Annoyed with myself for being so angry, annoyed that I am still waiting on things that may never happen (and that I may never hear about), annoyed that applying for jobs these days is so painful and brutal (any tips anyone???), annoyed that I can’t seem to keep it together and annoyed that I hadn’t gone for a walk earlier in the day when the wind wouldn’t have whipped my fingers and snuck its way through the gaps in my coat.
Life right now feels both lead heavy and feather light. Lead heavy with the weight of what is coming next and feather light with how quickly things can change and how fickle and fleeting this one wild life we have is.
I find myself questioning lots of things these days, wondering what it is to live in the world right now, wondering what tiny positive impact I can make, where I can best spend my time and energy and questioning what it means to write in a world full of noise and distraction. And questioning what it is to write in this space here that often gives me the ick.
Despair is alluring, so is ignorance and both provide a get out clause…
But I don’t want out, I want in.
I want to take hold of the things that I can control and steer them with a steady hand.
I want to grapple with the lead heavy weights and those light, fickle feathers and know that I still held my ground, that I didn’t let despair get the better of me.
I want to tell my children that I was active and steadfast in my desire to make a difference (no matter the size) and that I didn’t give up…
That I kept going and held on to hope in a tightly clenched fist.
As I finally stomped off the tears and my breath calmed down, the words of my late dear grandfather ‘ever onwards’ arrived and I was reminded that a walk is always a good idea, even when the wind sneaks its way into poorly fastened coats ; )
Super last minute co-writing tomorrow morning from 9:15
It has been pure pleasure and so uplifting spending time writing in the company of others over the past few weeks and I am so grateful to everyone who has come along to the sessions recently.
If you fancy joining me tomorrow for a last minute co-writing session, it would be a JOY to write with you. Here’s the link…
Topic: Wednesday co-writing
Time: Nov 20, 2024 09:15 AM London